God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
