i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
