Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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