Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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