You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
