her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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