Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
