I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
