she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
