The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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