Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
