I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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