just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
