If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
