the condom got lost in my hair
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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