Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
