This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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