I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
