dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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