I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize