How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize