How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
