He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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