Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
