Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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