I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
