Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
