Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize