Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
