My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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