woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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