last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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