The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just invented taco cereal.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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