Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
