I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
the day after is always just damage control
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
