I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
