i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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