I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
