Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
