DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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