woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize