Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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