I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize