He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize