So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just pee around me
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
