Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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