my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
