He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
