im six kinds of drunk right now
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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