booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
