I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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