I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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