just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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