i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
