bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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