: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
