I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
