dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The air was thick with penises
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
