I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
