R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
