I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
