put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
