She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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