i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
