My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
