mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
