Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
