Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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